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Living the Dream… and Then

So, life has really sucked the past several months! I’ve had surgery, recovery time, lost time out of work and the big one…my relationship!  When it rains it pours, but then things started to turn around.

I finally recovered from my medical issues and returned to work. My boss let’s me know I have received a gracious merit raise this year and she said some wonderful things about my job performance.  I know I’ve worked harder these past two years than I have the 9 years I’ve been here.  A lot more responsibility and deadlines to meet, which leads to stress.  However, when you want to become something, struggled to work your way up the ladder, you can’t get scared when you get to the top and decide to climb back down.  I have chosen to not let intimidation and insecurities to hold me back.  I must push forward, keep going…

It sure would be a lot easier though, if I felt like I had a supportive team behind me that has my back if I start to slip.  Granted, I know I need a little, maybe a lot note support than others, but it’s not like I’m going to quit without having them.  I’m not all alone.  I have a few people in my corner that are wiping my brow when I fall down on the stool in the corner of the ring, cheering me on saying “Get out there and fight!  You can do this!”  Sometimes that’s all you need, but other times, you need the people you think are the closest to you to notice.  Maybe I’m to personable when it comes to sharing things, but when I meet people and that ask if I have kids or am I married, I say yes.  Then, go to say one graduated from college, one joined the USMC and now is going to college to be an architect, and my husband is retired from service and went straight to the academy to become a State Trooper.  I’m very proud of my children and my husband, their choices and accomplishments they have made in life.  Me on the other hand, I’ve always put myself behind others, not wanting to stand out.  I just wanted to work, raise my kids to have a successful start in life, and then, I really didn’t plan to much after that.  I honestly wasn’t expecting to be on this Earth this long.  God knows, I prayed for Him to take me so many times!  Although, my relationship with God isn’t where it should be, I know He has been and will always be my Savior.  He has been my friend when many have turned there back to me.  He will listen, when no one else will.

Don’t it seem to always be where you’ve got to the top of the mountain only to look down to see a rushing current of a wide river still left to cross?  I find myself feeling like I’m fighting a battle I can’t win.  It’s hard to win a battle only you are fighting for and everyone else seems to be against you.  Trying to make those around you see what you see or feel.  It’s impossible, but with open communication and an open-mind, I believe there are people out there that can relate to us who struggle with a mental illness.  It’s a matter of perception, effort and desire that person has in them to want to be there with you, in your world.  Our world isn’t bad, it’s just different.  Many might find they like to escape to our world, if they can ever feel the passion and have the courage it takes us everyday to be a productive part of society.

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Free Your Mind – Let It All Go!

Don’t Worry About “Fixing” you!

Maybe it’s not always about trying to fix something broken.  Maybe it’s about starting over and creating something better.  Pushing our minds beyond their own limits can give us an indescribable sense of joy.  It shows us how limitless we truly are.  We are what we think we are!

I’m preaching to the choir!  This is the reason I started this blog, for reinforcements of positive thinking and therapeutic conditioning of negative thoughts and feelings.  I gave meditation a chance, but with a mental illness, you may understand my struggles when I say clearing the mind of all thoughts and focusing on one thing, seems impossible.  I’m not saying the possibility of achieving the ability later in life is there, but I believe in preparing for task that seem unobtainable, when first introduced.  What’s the old saying, “You have to crawl before you can walk”.  I have spent most of my life holding my thoughts inside, restricted from letting them out into the World.  It’s my time to now let them out however I want!  Whether it means to share with my doctor, talk with caring friends or family, sometimes just have my one on one time with my Lord and Savior.  Other times I find, I may feel the urge to scream it out loud to the World!  Facebook is an avenue for that at times, but too up-close and personal when it may effect the ones you love or risk the chance of losing employment.  A blog, seems like the perfect answer for now!  If you decide to engage into my life and personal events, I’m glad to have you here, although, no one is forcing you to, nor do I have to share private information such as names, locations, etc.  For now, it’s just records of my thinking, my life as I remember, as I live.

My dream has always been to share my story, my experiences, self-discoveries, and steps that lead me to life of accomplishments.  Now, I’m no scientist, doctor, or by no means, anything above the ordinary human being.  However, my mind is beginning to realize my accomplishments, no matter how big or small to anyone else are all “HUGE” to me!  I’ve learned it’s all in perception and how you see yourself.  More importantly, not focusing on how others perceive you to be, you must define and believe in yourself!

Keeping Promises

Does anyone keep promises anymore? Is a promise just empty words spoken that hold no value? Why call it a promise, if it’s going to be broken? Do people even know what a promise is, what it means to make a promise? What if no one ever kept their promises? Would we hold people to expectations or find comfort in their words? How does breaking a promise affect trust? Do you trust someone after they’ve broken a promise to you? Do you lose respect for that person? Have you ever broken a promise? Did it make you feel like less of a person? Has someone broken a promise to you? How did that make you feel? Do you even believe in promises that are made to you? Do you believe in yourself enough to make a promise? A promise is a promise. They are not made to be broken, so don’t make one unless you intend on keeping it!

Broken Trust

Words I needed, just at the right time. I shall find my way back to ME, to GOD, to happiness! Seems I’m caught in a life built on a lie. I thought I was marrying the guy, same guy who chased me for a year or more, just a friends. He seemingly fell in love with me. I was fine staying friends, but he wanted more. He pursued continuously, convincing me family and my friends, he would never hurt me and would love me regardless of anything. Complete LIE! Apparently, he made a promise to his ex-wife that they would be Parenting Partners and ALWAYS stay caring friends.

I on the other hand, told him when we were friends I could never date him because of his relationship with his ex-wife. He swore then that it would never be a problem. After sometime after, I gave in and we began a relationship. Then, MARRIED! It was unreal to me! I had the man of my dreams, I could trust him, depend on him, just have what I thought was a real man. Together forever!

 

 

living in stigma

Trust was broken

you knew it was

But that didn’t stop your

desire and craving

~~~

My hands were tied

literally

above my head

to the bed

Who cares, you thought

I’m getting what I want

~~~

This secret between us

no one will know

I’d never tell

because you persuaded me

told me I was lucky and special

to have someone like you

a special person

for protection and care

Trust wasn’t broken

You were was entitled to this

______________________________

Written and copyright by Deb McCarthy/2017

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Are you faking PTSD for attention? or is this a scam?

The attached link below fits my relationship perfectly! “You have a nice car, a new house, your job is great, you’re not being abused anymore. I thought you’d be better now. Why can you/we be happy?”

Do people actual think that just because you fight and become a survivor, you become the person you never thought you would be, that all the horrible past events that are trapped inside your mind just disappear? You wake up from a nightmare, screaming and crying, shaking. Did I make myself do that to fake PTSD? Seriously people?

 

 

Source: Are you faking PTSD for attention? or is this a scam?